The note

Resolution #1: I will scare more people.

Yes, I'm still here! And oh, how amusing my life has been.

E and I are no longer involved. However, he still calls. For a while, he would call at 2-4 a.m. on school nights, but that seems to have stopped (for now).

This is probably a good thing. It's interesting once again being an outsider in the world of relationships; it reminds me of how much people change when they are claimed by or claim a lover. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure that I'm selfless enough to undergo those same changes.

There's a comment made towards the end of Revolutionary Girl Utena, when Utena has become infatuated and sexually involved with Akio. The comment comes from Juri, IIRC, who says, "For some reason, she looks like a girl to me now."

I had an epiphany when reading through L's recent 'blog posts, and that was it.

Why is it that people always change themselves so much for the ones they love? Is it because they don't think their love will be returned if they don't demonstrate sufficient devotion - sort of the "I'll chop off my finger to show how much I love you" thing? Is it because their love really won't be returned if they're too independent, not desperate enough to make the other person happy?

Is it because they can't help it?

L's still, in the presumptuous language I favor so much, a "worthwhile person." There are plenty of things in her personality that the girliness apparently required to carry on a fulfilling relationship won't touch, and some girly things that predate her involvement with G (bug obsession, anyone). People change as their situations and experiences change, and seeing that L too is changing doesn't really bother me. She's fine the way she is - the new way she is.

But the idea of myself changing in those same ways?

That bothers me. Terrifies me, even, in the same hopeless way that one can be terrified of losing one's soul.